Date of Birth: March 15, 1966
Height/Weight: 5’5” 165 lbs.
Current Residence: Podactor, CA
Occupation: Light Bulb tester
Education: Bachelor’s Degree from Butthead State
Nickname: Butternuts
Skills: can sing “Thriller” backwards
Maladies: never swears
Favorite Movie: “The Goonies”
Favorite Song: tie between “Billy Jean” and “Bad”, both by Michael Jackson
Cure for Depression: ice cream
Featured in: "Team Cornholio Demoralized" and "Hooks Courtroom Antics Turn Jackson Trial On Its Side"

Date of Birth: January 14, 1971
Height/Weight: 2.5 met. 30 stone
Current Residence: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: molester/steroid abuser
Skills: very accurate with a needle
Marital Status: very single
Level of Strength: 10 Men
Favorite Exercise: Pilates
Opacity(invisibleness): 20%
Featured In: "Steroid Abuse Rocks Beanbag League! Plamer, Chewlak Indicted", "Plamer Injures 'Core' In Pilates Related Incident", "Former Teacher Of The Year Let Go After Drunken Behavior At School"

Date of Birth: Unknown
Height/Weight: 5’10” 215 lbs.
Current Residence: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: Confidence Man
Skills: attracts amputees, chest shaving expert
Life Motto: “When in doubt, rock out.”
Favorite Drink: moonshine
Preferred Method of Transportation: Rickshaw
Featured In: "Team Cornholio Demoralized", "Break-Up Of Ryno's Revenge Leaves Pat-O In Tatters", "Pat-O Ousted By Meathead At Gym"

Date of Birth: April 20, 1978
Height/Weight: 5’10” 190 lbs.
Current Residence: Nashville, Tennessee
Occupation: Fruit salesman/hitman
Known Aliases: Wayne Hammer, Jean Pierre Ponpon
Skills: touchdown dance expert
Astrological Sign: Jerk
Favorite Food: grits (plain)
Favorite Designer: Barry LeFarge (get your limited edition “Chuck Dub” T-shirt at Original LeFarge Merchandise today!!)
Clubs: founding member of P.B.C.C. (Pornographic Butterfly Costume Club)
Featured In: "Chuck Dub Taken Into Custody For Schiavo Assassination"

Date of Birth: June 23, 1983
Height/Weight: 6’2” 247lbs.
Current Residence: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: Part-time women’s bodybuilding judge/part-time shylock
Skills: eating
Favorite Breakfast: dozen doughnuts, poop flakes
Guilty Pleasure: fat chicks, boy bands, fat boy band groupies(chicks only)
Featured In: "Fat Kid Dies In Fig Newton Related Incident"

Date of Birth: May 17, 1978
Height/Weight: 6’3” 190 lbs.
Current Residence: Denver, Colorado
Occupation: Swindler
Education: Bachelor’s degree from Douchebag State
Skills: crack smoking, heroin injecting
Hairstyle: Afro
Favorite Charity: H.A.R.A.(Heroin Addicts Recovery Association)
Hobbies: Playing poker with senior citizens
Superpowers: can fart the alphabet
Featured In: "Spillone's Brackett Scheme Linked To Heroin Trafficking"

Date of Birth: November 22, 1982
Height/Weight: 5’7” 138lbs.
Current Residence: New York, New York
Occupation: None
Skills: can take a punch
Life Motto: “Take what you can get and try to take everyone else’s shit too.”
Drug Use: Heavy
Favorite Minority: Hispanic
Hobbies: Gambling on cock fights
Dance Moves: The Sprinkler
Addictions: Filing lawsuits
Favorite Noise: Money counting machine
Featured In: "Yurth Beating Puts Black Eye On Guest Worker Program"

Date of Birth: February 29, 1973
Height/Weight: 6’2” 190 lbs.
Current Residence: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: steroid distributor/poker player
Skills: card counting, top handicapper in the world of pig racing
Favorite Movie: “Willow”
40 Yard Dash Time: 4.72 sec.
Featured In: "Steroid Abuse Rocks Beanbag League! Plamer, Chewlak Indicted", "Chewlak Loses Spot in W.S.O.P. After Consuming 'Gay' Burger"

Date of Birth: December 7, 1981
Height/Weight: 6’2” 220 lbs.
Current Residence: Chicago, Illinois
Occupation: Bathroom Attendant
Skills: boning
Education Level: grammar school
Awards: ranks 3rd on all time sexual partners list
Favorite Type of Music: Club beats/techno beats/house beats
Maladies: Herpes simplex 2 & 3, athlete’s foot
Favorite Movie: “Saturday Night Fever”
Featured In: "Playboy Photo Shoot Goes Awry As Doikel Knocked Unconscious"

Date of Birth: 1978
Height/Weight: 5’9” 135 lbs.
Current Residence: Hermosa Beach, California
Occupation: Beanbag Salesman
Skills: eating in the shower
Maladies: dandruff, third nipple
Languages: English, drunk speak
Coup Attempts: 2 (both failed)
Medication: propecia, lithium
Featured In: "Team Cornholio Demoralized", "Break-Up Of Ryno's Revenge Leaves Pat-O In Tatters", "Led Homecoming Has Many On High Alert", "Hermosa Locals Detained After Poop Deck Brawl Ruins Peace Rally", "Hermosa Beach Prepares For TNDC Coup"

Date of Birth: February 30, 1977
Height/Weight: 5’10” 175 lbs.
Current Residence: Baghdad, Iraq
Occupation: Soldier Boy
Skills: administering beatings, various wingman abilities
Favorite Candy: marshmallow bunnies
Astrological Sign: Fruity
Maladies: sits down when he urinates
Featured In: "Marine Stands Trial For Violating Geneva Conventions", "Playboy Photo Shoot Goes Awry As Doikel Knocked Unconscious"